Before puberty already I was more sexually free, fantasizing about boys, while being brought up in Syria, in a culture of modesty. In my culture it’s like, don’t ask don’t tell, but everyone knows who’s having sex, outside of marriage. There I felt like I belonged because I was the majority but didn’t fit in because of my queerness and liberal values. In the Netherlands it’s the other way around. Here my liberal values are accepted (although not completely), but I don’t belong to the majority. I was so shocked when I got here. I took an almost lethal boat trip to get here, to be myself, to own my body and sexuality and be independent and free. Still people would tell me not to show my body on social media, not to get a tattoo or a piercing and not to speak up.
In Syria, being the majority, I face no racism, everything works in my advantage. The system here is not designed for people like me, I could give you a million examples. My professor telling me I can’t go to the girls toilet, or shouldn’t wear make-up. When I call 112 because of an emergency, the police don’t show up. They don’t take me seriously, especially if one speaks English. Here it feels like I’m a minority of a minority. This country is all about freedom, but a lot of it is fake freedom to me.
I don’t regret coming here. I see migration as a continuum. I claim my Dutchness, without fully adjusting to it. Dutchness in my eyes should be inclusive, not about one specific way of being. I was talking with a friend. We have so many Dutch acquaintances, but it’s difficult to make real Dutch friends. I found it way easier making German, Swedish and Italian friends. White people here I find are just too closed. I tell my fellow queers of color to find people here who are going through the same experience, to ignore the ones who don’t understand, like the white men who have their opinions about us.
On my social media it’s a never-ending stream of attacks of white gay men saying I’m an unthankful nagging princess. That it’s better here than where I’m from so I should be quiet. It’s sad, but I’m not saying anything strange. They are not being told the truth, their education is Eurocentric. I think they should be a bit like the Germans, more humble and ashamed of their colonial history. They should try to educate themselves and to imagine themselves as the other. The West have colonized the Middle-East and many parts of the world. We’re still occupied by The West through capitalism, i.e. modern day slavery. If you understand the war in Syria, you see it’s Russia, China, Europe and the United States starting a war over oil and weapons. Even me fleeing here, it’s because of Europeans to some extent, because of their foreign policy. And yet I have to be thankful.
The Netherlands faces many challenges and is not going to make it without a stronger Europe. We won’t stand a chance against Russia or China. LGBTQ rights and women’s rights will be the cheapest bargaining chip. I also hope that the queer community of color gets stronger, more unified against the Christian conservative wave, more radical and more sexually free. I dream of a sexual revolution, bigger than in the sixties, a queerer one. The heteronormative system doesn’t care who we love, it only cares about sex, about controlling our bodies. In my portrait you see a star cause I’m like a mermaid from the sea. To my fellow queers of color I’d say: we are the future, they should expect us, because we are fucking coming!