The LGBT+ community complains a lot about the outside world, the police, the parliament, the government. We want them to change. But there are plenty of problems, like racism, we face on the inside of our community.We don’t support each other enough. We are all LGBT+, but we look at each other like: “Are you transgender?” “Are you feminine?” “Are you wearing make-up?” “Are you a person of color?” Dating apps are full of judgement. I’d want us to at least love and support each other. But the taboos in society are also taught to us. We need to heal, to believe that we are acceptable and lovable.
When I was 21 years old I came out as HIV positive. There’s a big taboo, HIV positive people are considered dirty, dangerous and are being avoided. Instead of helping and supporting each other as a gay community, I lost my community within two months. Also here in the Netherlands I see this superficiality of my queer friends who can’t accept me as an HIV positive gay. It was my own community that made it harder to be myself.
For eleven years I couldn’t accept myself, people’s opinions hurt me easily. I was a prisoner of my own mind. I was looking outside to find my own worth. But I couldn’t see people who did accept me. After my coming-out when everything was dark, I found my light. I realized I was this light all this time, that I can make everything bright. That there’s nothing outside to seek. Shadows, nightmares, light, dreams, it was inside me all this time. Accept yourself. Imperfection is beauty. Have the courage to stand for yourself, for your own truth.
My hope is that we raise awareness about who we are. We have the ability to spread love and positive energy. In the queer community we often focus on our looks, appearances, on outside confirmation. That’s been the only way for me to feel accepted. I hope that we know our value. We as queer community need that, we missed that in our childhood. Two days ago, I shaved my hair as a project of detachment. Do I still love myself without my hair? Do I love myself unconditionally?
I invest in my emotions. In Iran since we have no freedom, we value our time, freedom and energy. Here you have more choices, but life is more empty. There’s another purpose of freedom. In Iran we’re more emotional. For Dutch people, everything is logic. They’re afraid to express emotions, to get attached and get hurt, so they don’t fight for love. They don’t give themselves a chance at love.
I dream of organizing events that will push people to go within. The time is gone that the masters tell us what we do. The answers are inside. You know yourself best. When you look in the eye of fear, the fear disappears. When I told my parents my big secret that I was gay, I couldn’t believe they’d accept me, because this was my reality in my mind. But they did accept me!
In my portrait I see empathy and oneness. I see the deeper meaning in things and connections lately, beyond what we call reality. We are all made by love, the language of all creatures and that which connects us all in oneness.