I identify as lesbian; I’ve done so for four years. I didn’t come out as lesbian because the first time I had any interest in women, it was just confusing to me. I was in a Christian church at the time.
Basically, my sexual identity was decided for me since I was young. It didn’t occur to me for it to be any different. I also considered at the time, my first relationship to be with my stepbrother. That was a ridiculous situation, no choices were made, and they never could have been made. So, I just carried on in that way, and if a woman tried to kiss me, I was confused, and if a man tried to kiss me, I knew what to do. I was just surviving.
Then I was in a Christian church which helped me to get out of my family, but it didn’t help me with my identity. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t think about the gay question, as a heterosexual person in church. I thought, I like women as well and I can choose to be with men. I married a man.
Now I must choose between being in my community or being out. I try to travel that choice by having places where I am out. It means that I can’t be open in my community and it means all my friendships and relationships have become very superficial, because I can’t say everything that is happening. I feel like I’m lying all the time.
It’s more cultural than religious though. Religion wise, I feel okay. There is nowhere in the Thora it says a woman may not be with a woman, it’s not even considered sex. Even though culturally it is not accepted, I’m not doing anything wrong. That is also very important to my husband. I found places where I am out, and I have made myself unbribable, which was one of the concerns. So, what are they going to do, tell my husband?
I often find myself very much discriminated against in the LGTB community, because I’m religious and I’m Jewish. I feel more comfortable in places that are not specifically LGTB, just places where they accept gay people. For others in this situation, there is a Jewish organization called Eshel, who I’ve found very helpful.
The people portrayed as invisible in the IN/VISIBLE photo-exhibit are regular participants of Wereldcafé. Wereldcafé is a monthly activity organized by COC Amsterdam en omstreken, where bicultural LGBTIQ+ persons can meet in a closed setting to find a social network and discuss topics relevant to their personal empowerment. If you come from a bicultural background and are LGBTIQ+ or questioning, and want to be in contact with likeminded people, you can contact us at: wereldcafe@cocamsterdam.nl. We look forward to meeting you.